


Read My Heart

by nightlight9



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Diary/Journal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-20 17:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4796429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightlight9/pseuds/nightlight9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek has kept a journal since the fire. He gives it to Stiles. This is Stiles’ account of the content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Read My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so first I want to put out some warnings: This is a fic that includes minor descriptions of nightmares and sexual abuse. Derek Hale as a character has experienced some awful things in his life, and because there are sections in the fic made like his journal entries, some of that stuff is depicted. I don’t think that it’s all that bad, but I wanted to put warnings out so no one is triggered by it.
> 
> The timeline should also be explained a little bit. This is set after season 3B because everything with the alpha pack has occurred, minus Erica and Boyd’s deaths (I have a hard time killing them off because I love them a lot and they have a part to play in the fic as per my head-canon). I don’t really go into the Jennifer/Julia arc, but Derek does give up his alpha spark for Cora. Also, I know that, in the series when Kate asks if Laura knew about her 'relationship' with Derek or her part in the fire, Derek looks away and it’s stated that Laura did not know. I refute that idea, and thus go against it in my story.

All Stiles wants to do when he gets home from lacrosse practice is collapse on his bed for a nap. Coach pushed everyone harder than usual because their first game is coming up in a few weeks and he wants everyone to be ready for it. Stiles is sure he’ll have bruises to show for his hard work. So really the only thing on his mind is sleep. That’s probably why he misses the small black book perched on his nightstand, going so far as to set his phone on it without recognizing that it wasn’t there when he left for school that morning. He falls asleep without consciously noting that the book doesn’t belong to him nor registering that he’s seen it before, hidden away in one of the drawers in Derek Hale’s kitchen.

\-----------

However it is the first thing that he sees when he wakes up confused and disoriented a few hours later. “What the?” When he reaches out to pick it up his hands shake, knowing its importance. Boyd had been the one to find it before, and Derek had screamed at him. Derek hardly yells now, and never at Boyd, so the reaction left everyone in a stunned silence until Boyd shrugged and handed it over. The expression on Derek’s face turned tragic. He had apologized and then disappeared for three days. Even though Stiles wants to know what’s inside, he knows that whatever it is must be very personal.

The book is heavy and its spine is worn in a way that reveals how many times it’s been opened. Stiles cradles it against his chest as he slips his shoes on and grabs his keys. He spends three minutes sitting in the jeep staring at the cover, trying to decide if he should buckle it into the passenger seat while he drives. 

“You’re being ridiculous,” he tells himself, starting the car. “It’s just a book.”

At the first stoplight he leans across the seat for the belt. Because it’s not just some book. It’s Derek’s. And if it means something to Derek then it means something to Stiles and he’ll protect it anyway he can.

After everything calmed down in Beacon Hills, after Derek gave up his alpha spark and Scott became true alpha, after Erica and Boyd were back home, the pack had gotten close. It was way too easy for Stiles to fall for Derek in a way that was deeper and scarier than how he’d fallen for Lydia. With Lydia it was more of lustful infatuation bordering on obsession and worship. He appreciated how smart she was and he was taken by her beauty. It was like that from the moment he laid eyes on her. But that was it. When she became a part of the pack and he actually became her friend, those feelings went away, turning into respect and a strong friendship.

It’s different with Derek. When Stiles first met Derek that day in the woods it was obvious that he was a good looking guy. But Stiles hated him. How could he not when the older man kept pushing Scott around. Then Stiles saved Derek’s life and Derek rescued him from Peter and they just kept on helping each other. Derek was one of the only people to listen to Stiles theories and take him seriously. And Stiles understood that Derek had just been trying to save everyone all along. His whole perspective shifted when he realized that, but it wasn’t until Scott said he only thought Stiles was spending so much time with Derek because he was lonely that Stiles realized just how important the werewolf had become to him. 

That conversation had lead to Stiles driving over to Derek’s to let him know that he spent so much time at the loft because he enjoyed his company and wanted to be around him. Derek had just smiled and said, ‘okay’ and then they went shopping for better furniture. And his feelings only deepened from there. So of course he’s going to take care of Derek’s book, even if some people would argue that buckling it in was a little excessive.

Stiles lets himself into the loft when he gets there. Erica, Boyd and Isaac are curled together on the couch watching a movie. Erica is the only one to call out to him. “Derek’s upstairs working out,” she says with a smirk.

Stiles rolls his eyes fondly at them, and moves into the kitchen. Peter grins over at him from the stove. “Stiles! It’s so good to see you.” He may not be ‘bad’ anymore, but Peter is still a strange guy in Stiles’ opinion. His silk kimono robe is a testament to that. “I’m glad that you’re here. I was getting tired of dealing with the wonder twins.”

Stiles snatches one of the pancakes Peter’s making. “Okay, one, there are three of them in the living room so they can’t be the wonder twins. And two, they’re watching a movie. Seriously, how can they be tormenting you?”

“Ha!” Isaac yells from the living room.

“Yeah Peter, suck it!” Erica tags on.

Peter rolls his eyes. “They are the wonder twins. Boyd is fine. He leaves me alone. But Erica and Isaac,” he takes a deep breath, ready to go on a tangent about how they are the bane of his existence when he catches sight of the journal which is tucked against Stiles’ chest. It makes him freeze. “Oh my. Do you know what it is you’re holding?”

Stiles shrugs. He’s watching Peter’s face closely enough that he catches how his lips pull together in guilt and concern. It’s the look that he gets when he thinks about everything Derek went through and how he wasn’t there like he should have been. It still baffles him that Derek let Peter back into his life after everything that happened. But then again he’s pretty much the only family that Derek has left, what with Cora returning to her own pack. What’s probably more surprising is that the people in the pack have come to accept Peter, maybe not like him, but accept him. 

“Where did you get it?”

Stiles shrugs again. “It was in my room when I woke up from my nap.” He shoves the pancake in his mouth and waits for a reaction.

“Go see Derek.” But before he can, Peter reaches out and touches his elbow gently. “Be good to him, Stiles. I hope you realize how important this is.”

The comment takes him by surprise and makes him hurry up the stairs to get away from Peter’s expectant expression. Derek’s bedroom door is open and there the werewolf is, doing an exercise routine. He’s in the middle of a pushup when Stiles peeks in the door. Derek smiles up at him and yanks the headphones from his ears.

“Hey, Stiles. What’s up?”

Like every other time Derek has looked at him with such an open expression, it takes Stiles a few seconds to find his footing. He holds out the book like an answer. “This was in my room and I know it’s important to you so-,” he trails off.

Derek blinks at him. “Did you read it?”

He doesn’t sound upset about it, but the accusation makes Stiles flail and squawk. “I would never! How could you think that I would invade your privacy like that! Dude, I would never do that to you because you mean a lot to me and I-.”

Derek hops to his feet, crosses the room and settles a hand on his shoulder, squeezing tightly. “Stiles. I left it there. For you.”

That shuts him up. “Wait, you want me to read it?”

His smile is soft. “Yes.”

“You’re trusting me with whatever this is?”

“It’s my journal, and yes. Before, I wasn’t-. I didn’t trust anyone. And then you showed up and reminded me what loyalty was. Now I have a pack again, and it’s because of you and your inability to take no for an answer.” He squeezes again. “I would be honored if you would take the time to read through this.”

Stiles feels speechless but manages, “Of course.” The fond expression on Derek’s face fills Stiles up with a warmth that makes him feel nervous and exposed. “Um, well. I was just bringing this back to you, so I guess I’ll go now and-.”

“You’re welcome to stay if you’d like.” He tilts his head to the side, listening. “Erica says that they’re going to watch The Fast and the Furious next, and Peter is making breakfast for dinner.”

Stiles almost says yes. He wants to. But, “I can’t. I need to get home and make dinner or else my dad will wind up ordering a pizza or something else terrible for him.” Derek nods in understanding. “But, um. Thanks. Um, not for the offer, but for this.” He tilts the book to make his point.

“Takes all the time you need to go through it, okay.” His voice quivers slightly, a tell that he’s nervous. 

Stiles feels the need to make everything better for him (who is he kidding, he always feels that way about the older man). “Derek, you have to know that there is nothing in this that’s going to change how I think of you.”

He isn’t expecting the quiet laughter. “I wouldn’t say that just yet.”

“If you’re worried about it, you don’t have to give this to me. I would never expect it of you.”

“I know. It’s okay. I want you to read it. Just-. You’ll understand when you get there, alright. Now, go home and feed your dad.”

Stiles pulls Derek forward into a hug, unable to help himself. It ends up lingering because of the weight of the situation. “Thank you. You won’t regret sharing this with me.”

The last thing that Stiles hears as he walks down the stairs is a quiet, “I know.”

\-----------

Stiles manages to wait until he gets home and is seated at the dinning table before he cracks open the journal. He closes his eyes to try and steady his breathing and his shaking palms. The air is heavy and weighted. He opens his eyes to read the first entry, dated a year after the fire. Derek’s words, written in neat scrawl, break Stiles open.

**Laura thinks writing in a journal will be good for me. She wants me to move past what’s happened. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve her, and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve me. She doesn’t know what I did. But if Laura wants me to keep a journal, I will. I’ll never tell her no. Not now. Not after what I did to her. I’ll do anything to stop her from worrying about me because she needs to stop thinking about me. I’m like poison and if she worries about me her life will fall apart again. I don’t deserve her.**

Stiles hands are shaking. He sets the book aside, breathing deeply. Derek trusts him with this. The knowledge of this truth strikes Stiles suddenly. This is important. This is Derek - his personal thoughts, his hurts, his heart.

Stiles is just sitting staring at the table when his dad walks in thirty minutes later.

“Everything alright, kiddo?” John approaches his son with open palms. “Stiles?”

He jerks back. “What? Oh yeah, I’m fine.”

John snorts. “That didn’t look fine, kid.”

“It’s just-. Derek. He’s-.” He stops to breathe. “He gave me something important.”

John sits down, ready to listen. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. I’m overwhelmed, but it’s good that he trusts me with it. I want him to. It’s a big deal.”

“I’m not following. You want him to trust you, but you’re freaking out that he has?”

“Exactly!”

The sheriff watches in amusement as his son buries his head in his hands. He’s grown up so much since Derek rolled back into town. As terrible as it sounds, he’s almost thankful that Scott was bitten. Not because of the danger it brought to Beacon Hills. Never that. But now his once spastic son is steadier and more confident. He has a close knit group of friends that are endlessly loyal. He’s learned to defend himself and his focus has improved. As much as Scott’s the alpha, John knows that it was Stiles that held the group together, Stiles that taught Scott to lead. And it was Stiles that broke Derek out of his burnt conscious. 

“Listen Son, you’re overthinking this. You’ve helped Derek a lot and you’re his closest friend. Instead of worrying about it, just be grateful for it.”

Stiles lifts his head up and blinks. “Thanks Dad, you’re right.”

He pats the table between them. “Usually am. Now, what’s for dinner? I’m starving.” Stiles freezes. “You didn’t make anything, did you?”

“I was having a crisis!”

“So I get pizza, since you were too busy to feed your old man.”

Stiles narrows his eyes. “Fine, but we’re getting chicken and tomato so I can at least pretend that it’s good for you.”

“And bacon.” Stiles opens his mouth to protest so John pushes on. “I fixed your problem so I get bacon.”

“You know what.” He throws his hands up. “I’m not even going to argue.”

John smirks and gets up to make the call.

\-----------

Stiles doesn’t pick up the journal again until after his dad has gone to bed and he’s tucked under his covers. He considers letting it go for the night, but he’s not tired and the promise of knowing more about Derek is too great to ignore.

The first few entries are short and non-descriptive: **I went for a run today; I need to buy milk; I don’t know what I’m supposed to write here.**

But after a few entries the writing changes. 

**I don’t know what Laura wants from me. Today was the first day that we’ve fought since before. She yelled, said that I need to think for myself. I can’t. The last time I did that people died. Everyone died. They’re all gone now, my family, my pack. I did that. I see fire everywhere. I hear their screams. Smell the smoke. Laura yelled and I just sat there and took her anger. That just made her madder. But I deserve to be yelled at. It makes me feel better if she’s angry with me, even if she doesn’t know why.**

He writes about Kate the first time by name three months into the journal. The details of how she used Derek makes Stiles’ stomach roll. 

**It hurt. It hurt so bad. It was supposed to be good. I didn’t stop her. She took and took.**

When Stiles reads the first entry where Derek details his nightmares he stops. He has to. Bile chokes him. His heart is racing and his hands sweat. It’s too much. He still has a few hours until he needs to be up for school, but he can’t push himself to read any more. 

He can’t sleep either. There’s an itch in his head that has him up and pacing. His body is screaming for action but there’s nothing he can do. He doesn’t want to see Derek again until he’s finished reading everything and there’s no one else to talk to about it. The only thing to do is keep reading, but he just can’t.

Finally, after the journal is tucked away in his closet, Stiles stops shaking enough to get a few hours of sleep.

\-----------

“Are you coming, Stiles?”

Stiles blinks up at where Scott is standing by his desk. He wasn’t even aware the bell rang. A frown tugs at his best friends lips. “Hm? Oh, um. No.”

Scott makes a hurt noise. “Dude, you can see Derek after. Come with us.”

“I’m not going to see Derek either. There’s something at home I have to do.” While normally he would be all for going to the diner with Scott or heading over to the loft to hang out with Derek, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the journal all day. He wants to read more about the man he cares so much about, the man he’s fallen for. Not even Scott’s puppy dog eyes can change him mind. “Dude, the diner isn’t going anywhere. We can go next week. Consider it me giving you the chance to go out with Allison alone.”

The mention of the hunter is enough for Scott to go all heart-eyed. It helps that only a moment later the brunette herself shows up, giving Stiles the chance to slip away.

As soon as he gets home he runs for his room, settling into bed with the journal. But he doesn’t open it right away. He pauses, staring at the cover. Derek has handled the book so many times in anger, hurt, fear. So much in something so small.

Stiles curls closer into his blankets and opens it up. The first few hours are spent reading dark entries, leadened with guilt and heavy with grief. Derek describes his nightmares in so much detail Stiles swears he tastes smoke. Just when the effort of reading starts to feel unbearable, the writing changes. All it takes is one sentence: **I’m going to tell Laura.**

The statement pushes the smoke from Stiles’ lungs, replacing it with curiosity. He had wondered before if Laura had known. It was just never something that he could ask. 

When Stiles turns the page, filled with the urgency to know how she reacted, he stops short. The next entry is dated a week and a half after the last one. It’s the first time that there has been a jump in the dates. Derek had been very diligent about writing something everyday. So the jump is worrisome. But what’s more surprising is that the handwriting is different and it’s not an update or a detailed description of the past. It’s a letter.

_Oh, little brother. I didn’t know that you were carrying so much weight. Now your silence and the wall that you’ve built between us makes more sense. Der, you need to understand that I don’t blame you. For any of it. What Kate did. What she did to you-. I wish there was some way to ruin her. But with no proof it was arson we have no case. I don’t blame you for anything, okay. You need to believe that. I know talking is hard for you which is why I’m writing this here for you to find when you come back. You are my home now, Derek. My brother. My pack. You’re all I have left and the only thing that matters to me. I love you. Please come home. Please let us be a family again._

The short letter is so raw it brings tears to Stiles’ eyes. It hurts. Laura seemed so sincere and understanding. She was Derek’s best friend, and Stiles already knows that her story is a tragedy. It’s not fair. None of what happened to the werewolf is.

“Well, that’s enough of that for now.” He sits the book aside, wipes at his eyes and head to the shower hoping that the warm water will make him feel better. Instead he stands under the streaming water and thinks about an alpha mother who raised her children to care for people so deeply, an alpha sister thrust into her role too soon but who never lashed out or gave up, a young werewolf who didn’t understand just how much of a pawn he was in a game he had no chance of winning anyway. His heart is heavy.

\-----------

**Telling Laura doesn’t make up for what I did, but I feel a little better now that she knows. When I got home today, she hugged me long and hard. I don’t feel okay, letting her know wasn’t some magic cure all. But I think that I will be maybe.**

Stiles smiles down at the journal, so damn proud of Derek. Reading through the first entry after Laura’s letter, a hope blossomed in the words, inflecting the entries and pages that have followed with more light. Derek had gone back to writing everyday and slowly the words became less black and more…normal. When Stiles reads, **I want to go to college for something, maybe literature. Laura thinks it’s a great idea. I already have my GED. I want to do something for myself again** , Stiles thinks that his grin could split his face in two. He falls asleep feeling warm, ignoring the nagging in the back of his head that screams he happiness won’t last.

\-----------

**Laura’s dead.**

That’s it, all there is to the entry that he’s been waiting for, the entry that breaks Stiles’ heart. Gone are the hopeful entries about Laura and college classes. Gone are the stories about tentative friendships and Laura’s antics. Just two words, inevitable, but still so wrong. 

Stiles closes the journal and rubs at the bags under his eyes. With Derek’s personal thoughts so close, he hasn’t been able to sleep much. And he’s taken to bringing it to school so he can read during class. That’s where he is right now.

Erica appears out of nowhere and pinches his side. “Hey, Stiles.” She sits down in the open desk beside him, glancing at the black book.

“You’re not even in this class!” He groans, rubbing his side.

She just smirks, knowing that he’s not even a little upset to see her. “I was walking by the classroom when I heard your heart rate spike and thought I should drop in.” She shrugs, managing to make the action smooth and confident. “But now I understand; it’s Derek.” Her voice goes soft.

Stiles sighs. “When is it not?”

“Listen, I know how much you care about Derek. You’ve done a lot for him, for all of us.”

“I-Okay?”

“Just remember that, alright. Derek is - he’s come a long way because of you. So thanks.”

The impromptu speech along with her soft and affectionate tone confuses him, but Stiles nods and goes with it. “Of course. You guys are family. That’s what we do.”

Erica’s smile looks gentle despite her red lipstick and tight shirt. “Yeah, we look out for each other. I’m just glad you’re looking out for him.” She pats the journal, once, twice, and then she’s up and swaying away. 

Stiles thumbs at the pages. “Yeah, I’m glad too.”

\-----------

**Laura’s dead, some kid got bit by a rouge alpha, I’m back in Beacon Hills, and things are bad again. I feel so cut off. Without Laura, without an alpha, I’m all alone. The bond that used to thrum in my head is silent. It’s never been like this, so quiet inside of me. Laura’s dead. If she had just taken me with her I could have helped. I could have saved her for once. Or we’d both be dead. That would be okay too. I wish I was. I buried her in her alpha form on the old grounds. It’s the closest I can get her to our family. She was the strong one. She could have gotten past this. I don’t know how I will. I don’t know if I can.**

\-----------

**So, the new wolf and his…Stiles got me arrested. They dug up my sister’s body and pinned her death on me. I don’t think the sheriff believed it when he brought me in, which is probably why I was treated so well. He stopped by my holding cell and brought me dinner from one of the local places. And then he asked me about Peter and just talked to me. I remember him, from that night. He was just a deputy then. When I was waiting for Laura, he sat and talked to me to take my mind off of what I lost. He’s a good man. His son on the other hand - he wasn’t afraid of me and even though he changed his mind and said that he was, I believe it. He’s not afraid. He’s brave, accepting his friend’s change better than Scott has…For a moment, with Scott, I thought that I had someone again. A brother. A pack mate. But Scott hates the bite and he hates me and I’m still alone. I was just trying to help.**

\-----------

**I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry**

\-----------

**Kate’s back. I should have let the wolfsbane bullet kill me.**

\-----------

**Stiles would be a better wolf.**

\-----------

It’s strange for Stiles to read events that he knows so well from Derek’s perspective. He had disliked the werewolf so much back then and even though he understands now that Derek was just trying his best, reading Derek’s thoughts changes his view again. It makes Stiles feel bad about how Scott and him treated Derek. The reaction about Danny seeing Derek shirtless is one of the worst: **Stiles used me today. I’ve been hiding out in his room because the police are looking for me (because of Scott). Instead of realizing that he makes me feel safe (which I don’t understand) or that, for some inexplicable reason, I trust him, he used me and my body to get his friend to do what he wanted. Granted, it was so that we could find the alpha. And granted I don’t think that was his intention at first. But now I feel dirty and used. He’s not Kate. I know that. He’s not Kate. I still trust him. I just hope I’m not wrong.**

Stiles had never considered how the interaction made Derek feel. He hadn’t really had the time to consider it and Derek had just seemed angry, not hurt. He wishes that he could call Derek and apologize, wrap him in his arms and make sure he doesn’t hurt him again. But there’s more to read and Stiles is determined not to see Derek until he knows everything. 

It’s easier to read the entries now because he already has a grasp on the situations. But some things still make him cringe, like when Derek found out Peter killed Laura - **How could he do that to her. His niece. He’s a monster** \- or about the time he spent being tortured by Kate - **the shock hurt, but I could handle that. It was when she touched me, licked me, reminded me how she used me. She always knew how to break me.**

Some of the entries are long and coherent while other are short and dark.

Stiles reads through every class he can, finding out how Derek felt his shift when he took revenge for Laura’s death, understanding how Derek felt about losing control that first night and biting Jackson, reading about why Derek picked Erica, Isaac, and Boyd for the bite.

Some of the stuff he’s already talked to Derek about, like how Derek didn’t really want to kill Lydia but how he thought it was the only way to keep everyone else safe. And then there are some events he’s never even heard about.

**I was trying to train the betas today. I know that I’m being too hard on them and that they don’t understand because they don’t feel my urgency. They’re not learning anything though. When I told them that they needed to be more unpredictable, Erica jumped up and pounced on me. I pushed away from the kiss, telling her that I have someone else in mind for her. That wasn’t necessarily a lie, I think she’d work really well with Boyd (they remind me of my parents), but really I was thinking of someone else that I would like to hold close. It’s stupid and I know that. But I’ve been dreaming of pale skin spattered with moles and-. Stupid, I know.**

Stiles breathing catches. Derek was dreaming about him? In a romantic sense? It seems impossible thinking that Derek found him attractive even before they were friends, seems impossible that he could ever return Stiles’ feelings. And yet the words are proof that he must have found him attractive enough to push Erica’s advances away.

“Holy crap.”

Stiles dad raises his eyebrows at his son from across the room. “You alright over there, kid?”

He blinks, pushing back his giddy grin. “Yeah, I’m good. So good.”

John rolls his eyes and returns to his reading, but his lips quirk up. He wonders about what he’s reading, though he can guess it has something to do with what Derek dropped by the station to talk to him about a few days ago. Stiles seems happy about it, and that makes John happy. He thinks that they’d be good for each other. He believes in them like he believed in Claudia, werewolves and the age difference be damned. 

\-----------

**Stiles is-. He scares me. At one point I decided that he would have made a great wolf but now I understand that he doesn’t need the bite. He’s strong without it. He doesn’t see it but I do. He’s the strongest one out of all of us. It scares me because a pack bond is forming between us and has been since the pool incident. But he still hates me, and I don’t know how to fix that. But I want to try. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore, and he helps me with that in a way that even the betas don’t.**

\-----------

**Peter’s alive. I’m scaring the betas away. Isaac is afraid of me. Erica and Boyd hate me. Things are bad again.**

\-----------

**What the hell am I supposed to do with Peter? I want to hate him, and I do a little. But. He’s the uncle that I remember. I know that the fire changed him but only now do I feel like I have him back. And now he’s the only thing I have with the betas gone. It’s just…strange walking into the room to see him there or talking through the rooms with him like old times. Stiles not so subtly suggested that we kill him again. He’s freaked out by him and finds his sass unnerving. But that’s just Peter. He’s my family. He’s all I have.**

\-----------

Scott drops to the ground beside Stiles just as he’s reading about Derek’s reunion with Cora. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Stiles snorts. “You see me all the time, Scott.”

His best friend is pouting. “That’s not what I meant. We haven’t hung out since Monday and you’re too busy reading to pay attention to me in class.”

“Do you know what this is?” He holds up the book, waving it at Scott, who shakes his head. “It’s Derek’s journal. He gave it to me to read and I want to get through all of it before I see him tomorrow night.”

The pout falls away in shock, and then Scott is beaming. “Dude, that’s huge!”

Scott always did get him the best. “Yeah, man, I know. So you see-.”

He flaps his arms. “Yeah, totally makes sense now. But you’re coming to pack night, right?”

“That’s the plan, which is why I need to finish this by tomorrow so I can see him again. And I promise that I’ll make it up to you next week, alright.”

Scott relaxes back into the grass. “Yeah, man. That’d be great.” He waves his hand at the sky and closes his eyes. “Go back to your reading. Just don’t let me sleep through class.”

Stiles smiles at his friend’s yawn. “Alright buddy, sure thing.”

\-----------

**Cora’s leaving. She has a pack to return to. I’m glad that she’s safe and happy. And I’m relieved that Scott is the alpha now. I did a terrible job of it. I don’t know how to care for things without breaking them. The betas are happier with him and I’m just glad that they’re okay. They all deserve happiness. Beacon Hills has calmed down. Things are quiet. Even though I’m glad that no one has to fight for their lives anymore, I can’t help but feel worthless. I’m only extra muscle. I don’t have much use to anyone now.**

\-----------

**I’m pack.**

\-----------

**It’s almost strange how easily I get along with Allison. I wonder if she sees how important she’s become to me. I like everyone in the pack and am grateful that I have a place amongst them. Maybe it should be one of my old betas that I’ve connected to the most, but it’s Allison. She’s someone that I can really talk to. Of course, then there’s Stiles. If you had told me, that first day in the woods, that the skinny kid joking about werewolves and asking too many questions would end up becoming so much to me, I would have laughed. He’s my wolf’s anchor. And he anchors the human side of me too. He doesn’t let me fall into myself. He makes my life so much better. Everyday. All the time.**

\-----------

**He’s so beautiful. I wish that he could see that. I wish I was brave enough to tell him.**

\-----------

Stiles is nearly done with all of the entries when he gets the text from Scott asking where he is and if he’s still coming to the meeting. He takes a deep breath, types out ‘will be there soon,’ and then turns off his phone.

His skin feels like it’s vibrating and the drive to see Derek is hard to resist. He doesn’t want to ignore it. What he wants is to hop in the car, speed to the loft, and kiss the older man until forever because so many of the most recent entries have been about him. But he’s so close, and he has to finish.

Before he gets the chance to go back to reading, the front door opens and his dad strolls in. Stiles huffs at him.

“Didn’t expect to see you here, Stiles.”

“I can’t see Derek right now.”

John looks confused for a moment, the exasperated. “Oh hell, kid. You’ve got to be kidding me. Why are you doing this to yourself? I know how you feel about him, and he has my blessing, so-.”

Stiles jumps to his feet. “Woah, what? What are you talking about?”

John rolls his eyes. “Derek stopped by the station and told me about the journal and how he felt about you. He was worried I would disapprove and shoot him, but I don’t. He’s a good guy and I know you’ll be safe with him. And I know that you like him. So stop whatever you’re thinking and go see him.”

The younger man opens his mouth in shock. “I meant that I couldn’t see him until I’ve finished reading everything. Not because I was disgusted and didn’t want to date him!”

“Oh.” John rubs the back of his head. “Alright then, sorry.”

“You’re really okay with it?” He sounds small and quite, not like the confident kid John has come to know. So he pulls him into a hug.

“Yeah. I know that he’ll treat you well, probably better than damn near everyone else. Just be safe, alright.”

“Thanks dad.” They hug for a long moment, just holding on. Then John pats his back.

“Now, finish your reading and go see your wolf.”

\-----------

**I like him so damn much.**

\-----------

**I know that my parents would have loved him. He would have fit into the family perfectly.**

\-----------

The last entry in the book makes Stiles heart pound and his hands shake. It’s addressed to him.

 **Stiles,  
** **When I first realized what you’ve come to mean to me I was afraid, mostly because I was terrified to show you how broken I was. I have a lot of deep scars and I was so afraid you would see them. But I’ve realized that you already see, and you care about me anyway. My affection for you grew to the point where I wanted you to know everything about me, every hurt and anguish, every hope. That’s what this journal is. I’ve given you all of me, boiled down into words. Regardless of your feeling for me, whether romantic or platonic, I am yours wholly. Totally and completely. I’m not the best with words sometimes and this seemed better to show you anyway. It is important to me that you know all of it, all of me.**  
**With love and the best of wishes, Derek.**

Stiles has never driven faster in his life.

\-----------

Everyone is walking out of the loft when Stiles pulls up. They all offer him a smile as they make their way to their cars - Allison with dimples on full view, Scott like a joyous puppy, Lydia looking sharp and amused. He doesn’t stop to ask any of them where they’re going. His eyes are locked on the front door and he’s moving with an urgency to get inside and find Derek. He’s so distracted he doesn’t even notice that Peter is leaving too. The journal is clasped tightly against his chest, pressed to his heart.

Derek is standing in the kitchen when Stiles walks in. He doesn’t say anything, just stands and watches Stiles, eyes dark.

Stiles doesn’t need his words. He already has everything, and the moment is bigger than them. He crosses the loft, pausing only once on his way to the werewolf to set the journal gently on one countertop. Then he jumps on Derek, wrapping his legs around his waist and marveling over the fact that Derek doesn’t even stumble with his sudden weight. Touching Derek’s face softly, Stiles closes his eyes and brings their mouths together. Despite the desperation thrumming just under his skin pushing for heat, Stiles keeps the kiss soft, chaste. Derek holds him close, hands clinging tight to his hips.

Stiles is the one to pull away from the kiss, watching in awe as Derek’s eyes flutter open, vulnerable and joyous. They stare at each other for a long moment and then, very deliberately, Stiles tilts his head to the side to expose his neck. Derek’s breath hitches. He buries his nose to the exposed skin and Stiles brings his hand around to curl in Derek’s hair and keep his head in place. They stand like that for a long time.

“Thank you,” Stiles whispers finally. He feels the need to keep his voice low so the moment isn’t lost. “Thank you.”

He can feel Derek’s smile against his skin. “I wanted you to know everything.”

“Me too. I mean, I want you to know me too. I don’t have a journal or anything, but I’m a talker so I don’t think that should be a problem.” He breathes deeply, slowing himself down. “I want to talk to you about everything I’ve never said. Derek, I’ve been half in love with you for a long time. I need you to understand that it wasn’t the book that made me feel this way about you. It just made me feel more.”

Derek’s smile is soft, almost shy, and so warm. It makes Stiles coo and bring his hands around to press his cheeks together. It makes the older man laugh. “You’re so beautiful.” His voice is breathy, all awe. He never let himself imagine that he could have Derek like this, so close and open and his.

Derek huffs and turns to settle him down on the counter. “I’m going to make us dinner and then-.”

“We’re going to cuddle and watch a movie?” He bites his lip, sounding hopeful.

It makes Derek laugh again. “Well I was going to say then we could make out some more, but a movie works.”

It takes Stiles a few seconds to get over his surprise but then he’s reaching out with grabby hands, trying to pull the werewolf closer. Even though Derek could resist, he happily allows himself to be tugged forward and into a kiss. He knows that there’s a lot of stuff they should discuss, things that he wants to talk about, but for right now they don’t matter. Now is a time for being together, for being close. The rest will come later.


End file.
